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Few things spook normal law-abiding, job-holding Americans more than a motley bunch of left-wing protesters. It's not just their politics that put us off -- it's their slovenly (often bizarre) dress, their bad grooming habits (or total lack of such), and most of all their obscenity-spouting anger, grim humorlessness, and smug self-importance. Just who are these foul-mouthed, foul-smelling characters clogging our streets and college campuses, protesting everything from globalization to genetically modified food to tax cuts? Now, ProtestWarrior's A Field Guide To Left-Wing Wackos, identifies and describes 18 common "species" of left-wing protesters, supplying witty definitions, vivid illustrations, identifying characteristics and behavior, "cries" (slogans), habitat, evolutionary origins, as well as thrilling (and hilarious) anecdotes of actual sightings.
** ANARCHISTS -- "It is not uncommon to find an anarchist carrying a cell phone in their Dickie's pant pocket. Like their fellow traveler Communists and Islamothugs, they have no problem using the technologies made possible only by Western-style capitalism ... It has been hypothesized that anarchists are slowly becoming immune to tear gas and new, more powerful strains are evolving"
** COMMUNISTS -- "Communists are considered the Maytag repairmen of liberal protesters, few and far between but somehow still devoted to a lost cause. ... Handling Tips: Ask a communist who their favorite communist dictator is. Hard-pressed to think of one who hasn't been responsible for murdering thousands of dissidents, they will panic and begin to sputter about how communism has never been properly implemented."
** INTELLECTUALS -- "Since the 1960s, American universities have become the main breeding grounds and feeding troughs for Intellectuals. ... One of their most interesting behavior patterns is that they rarely make public statements about subjects in which they are trained. They make profound and sweeping statements about the global economy, human rights, the environment and international politics even though they teach linguistics or art history."
** COLLEGE STUDENTS -- "College Students feign a constant state of indignation – at the current administration, at corporations, at the racism and sexism pervading their college campuses. Many find relief in submitting letters to the editor of their campus paper... Other College Students who need a more tangible outlet for their progressive angst join or start student activist groups which purport to fight the injustice of sweatshops, defend union workers, or protect the environment and the rights of animals."
** HOLLYWOOD ACTIVISTS -- "A member of the Hollywood community elite who uses the capitalist fruits of wealth and fame to promote a socialist agenda. ...A typical public political statement given by a Hollywood Activist will glaringly contradict how they conduct their personal lives. For instance, a Hollywood Activist who is fervently anti-gun will employ a small army of armed guards to protect her life and property."
** BLACKTIVISTS -- "Blacktivists are very careful not to do anything that might cause them to be perceived as sellouts by other Blacktivists, and if they must watch Friends or listen to Steely Dan, they usually do so in private. Speaking out against the thuggery championed in rap music is strictly forbidden, and can cost the violating Blacktivist all his street cred. A large vocabulary, good grades, infrequent use of "peace out", and a high paying job in the private sector are all cause for suspicion, and voting Republican is immediate grounds for eternal banishment."
** HACKTIVISTS -- "Anyone who manipulates a computer system without authorization to promote a political ideology. ... Handling Tips: (1) Make a phone call to parents informing them of their son's misdeeds -- will result in hacktivist being grounded and computer access revoked for up to two months. (2) Introduce hacktivist to a girl -- will render all thoughts of hacktivism a waste of time."
** GRANOLAS -- "Hippy environmentalists who would rather save a blind salamander than a human being. ... Habitat: Look for Granolas in trees. Yes, trees. ‘Tree sitting' consists of climbing to the top of a tree and chaining oneself to the trunk to prevent loggers from cutting it down. Sometimes Granolas stay in the tree for days, truly becoming one with nature as they linger without basic hygiene."
** PEACE MOMS -- "A member of the suburban leisure class who has an overwhelming desire to ‘make a difference.' ... by far the best smelling of all the species ... Handling Tips: Interview her about the evils of capitalism and follow up by asking her where her husband works."
** ISLAMOTHUGS -- "A Muslim who attributes all of his ills to the existence of the U.S. and Israel. ... Much of his belligerence stems from an intense insecurity over the disastrous condition of societies living under Islamic law. In fact, the intensity of the Islamothug's dementia is in direct proportion to his country's misery index."
** PERFORMANCE ARTISTS -- "It is easy to pick out a Performance Artist at a protest. Just look around at the crowd. Is there a big, awkward, ready-to-collapse puppet that vaguely looks human? Are there some crude political ideas expressed with even cruder papier-mache creations? Are there individuals in skull face paint? These are all Performance Artists. Some Performance Artists write skits or do "interpretive" dances in sympathy with the world's oppressed, letting the obvious symbolism speak so eloquently for whatever it is that they believe. And what is it they believe? That big puppets have political influence? That skeletons will scare conservatives into becoming liberals? No one is quite sure..."
** CLOSET NAZIS -- "An Anglo-American who hides behind incessant political criticism of Israel to mask a seething anti-Semitism. ... When not at protests, Closet Nazis spend most of their time on the Internet. This provides for an ideal habitat, as they are free to revel in their unalloyed perversity, and to do so anonymously. Other activities include endless debating over the Byzantine network of convoluted conspiracy theories regarding Jewish worldwide domination and the eminent extinction of the white race."